Trish Stratus and Victim
Chyna Doll Flexes A Bicep
As y'all know, Quorthon an' Dr. Schitz was a-gonna have a rasslin' match to win over the affections of Brittney, who done told both fellers they were bein' straight up dumb asses an' left in disgust with a good ole classic rock icon, which would be none other'n Jimi Hendrix.
Is Brittney Jammin' with Jimi now?
Will this here love triangle never resolve itself? I hope not too soon, 'cause I'm kinda havin' fun watchin'! But I ain't here to talk about celebrity gossip or nothin', I'm here to talk sports!
No sooner was the tag team of Quorthon an' Ragnar of the WWF Wannabes preparin' to take on the tag team of Dr. Schitz an' Rolf of the WWF Wannabes when in walked Nurse Violent, lookin' like this:
Nurse Vivian Violent
She done told ole Dr. Schitz that there was an emergency at the lab with the thing on the slab, so he done took off like his tail was on fire, throwin' in the towel behind him as he informed ole Quorthon that he really wasn't innerested in stealin' nobody's woman, he just wanted some good ole competition.
The WWF Wannabes Classic Rasslin' Champeen Pose
That left Quorthon in the ring with Ragnar an' Rolf. Well, Ragnar may not look much bigger than the average wild half-jackal half-man, but he's a scrappy sucker. An' that ole Rolf is just a mountain of a man! I ain't sayin' ole Quorthon can't hold his own, but heck, he ain't no half-jackal, an' no-one can open a can of Whoop Ass faster'n the WWF Wannabes! I was kinda feelin' sorry fer the pore feller when The Spooky Guy jumped in the pigpen--I mean, rasslin' ring to help his brother out against the force of two fellers who fight so dirty the WWF has resolved to keep 'em as wannabes forever! It warmed my heart to see the force of brotherly love at work, but I'm afraid them two poetic musician fellers, scrappy though they may be, didn't stand a chance against them two crazed barbarians. The WWF Wannabes took 'em through the wringer an' hung 'em out to dry in six seconds. I started thinkin' I was watchin' bullridin' at the rodeo, only the bull was bein' rode by Paul Bunyon! Lucky the good ole Netherworld Ambulance Service wuz on hand to take the fellers to Hell's Pass Hospital an' Research Lab. That Dr. Schitz shore does think ahead when it comes to medicine an' injuries an' that sort of stuff.
Next thing ya know, the WWF Wannabes was hollerin' for more opponents. My husband Virgil-Joe an' my good ole cuzzin Giddie-Yup Bullshack tried to take 'em on, but they wasn't no match for them crazy Norwegian half-jackals neither. The fellers started rasslin' with members of their own band which didn't seem like too good an idea to kick the asses of yer fellow performers when you got a gig later, but heck, with Death Cheese I don't think nobody could tell the difference between when they's playin' well an' when they's playin' like they just got run over by a bus!
After about an hour of kickin' everything's ass, the only opponent left was ole Verly's brother, Dewey Banjer. Dewey done stepped in the ring with the fellers an' tole 'em they had purdy moufs an' asked iffen they could squeal like pigs.
The WWF Wannabes done backed off! They said they wasn't givin' that pervert a chance to touch 'em. I told 'em that there weren't no way he could take 'em. But they suddenly got all squeamish-like an' said they couldn't even stand havin' his pervert hands a-touchin' them. That woulda meant that Dewey would win the rasslin' champeenship. An' I just couldn't let that happen. So I stepped in the ring with Dewey.
"Dewey, y'all got a mouth like a sewer, an' it's time I make YOU squeal like a pig," I done said.
I opened my can of Whoop Ass.
Everythin' else is a blur. I guess I kinda done went berserk. Moonshine an' Whoop Ass shore is a powerful combination! Plus I was dang hungry! I smelled the ribs on the barbecue an' heard the cracklin' of roastin' corn. Heck, I didn't want to wait one minute longer for that good ole food that my Virgil an' his pappy an' brothers was a-whippin' up! So I done whupped ole Dewey's ass but quick. Next thing I knowed, ole Vince McMahon was in the ring with me handin' me a right beautiful gold Rasslin' Champeen belt an' tellin' me if I ever wanna go pro, he'd love to have me on the team.
Dewey Banjer, The Loser
None other'n Vince McMahon showed up to present me the Champeenship Belt
I admit it's a dream of mine to be a rasslin' champeen, but heck, I got seven kids with another on the way! So I reckon I'll just stick to whoopin' some ass now an' then.
Me an' Virgie head back to the ole homestead for some R&R after my big day
I shore was tired at the end of the day. I'm dang glad Virgie was there to carry me on home! I jest don't know what I'd do without him!
Credits: Vintage Paperbacks
10 comments:
I ran into Nosferatu--well, actually, he was flapping around Jimmy till I hit him with a couple of garlic pellets from my beebee gun. But anyway, he says he wants in on the action with Dewey, and it's not fair for you to keep him all to yourself.
Hells bells, gal, ole Nossy can HAVE Dewey! I don't want his sorry ass hangin' 'round here none. I just wanted to knock him down a peg or two an' teach him a lesson!
Brittney, leave my man alone!
That Hildy has dem long fanger nails likun claws on buzzards or sumpin. She done went and done scratched up my backside likun we weres spoonin'. The funyest part of hit all is she weres a-think'n all long we weres rasslin'.
Janis, I thought Jim Morrison was your man!
Damn, you humans sure do get around! We byakhees just meet, mate, lay eggs, and when the young can fend for themselves, we kick them out of the nest.
Come to me, Dewey!
Dewey, I'm a-gonna open a can of whoop ass on you my own dang self fer puttin' yer filthy hands on my woman with sexified intent!
Virgil-joe, I'll stick a can a whoopie up ya butt with outta open'n it. Then you'n walk liken ya got jock itch.
I hope Dusty and Lyanne will delve into Cuzzin Hildy's past. According to her bio, she was once a "sophisticated city siren"!
That there is a bold faced lie! Me an' Virgil done posed fer the cover of that there book fer 6666 Quatloos. My fam'ly has been hillbillies ever since the good ole U.S. of A. was founded back in 1776!
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