Abominations Gone Wild

Arsewipe the Ghoul

Netherworld Creeps Vie For Affections of Arsewipe the Ghoul

by Hildy-Bob Bullshipper
for The Crappy Times Sports Report

Howdy, y'all! Well it seems as how Nosferatu the Undead Vampire who done came out of the closet recently done challenged Samara Morgan, the gal who dwells in the well, to a rasslin' match fer the affections of Arsewipe the Ghoul, the musically talented but personally vile sewer-dwellin' guitarist. The Netherworld Sports Network said they'd pay me a fine Quatloo to host the match on my farm seein' as how good ole Vince McMahon done spoke so highly of my country hospitality from when he was here the day that I beat ole Dewey Banjer in the big rasslin' match. So thar wuz Vince an' his crew an' some of my favorite professional rasslers, an' the WWF Wannabes wuz thar to take on anyone who wanted a challenge, an' Death Cheese wuz a-gonna play right afore the match 'twixt Samara an' Nossy, an' everythin' wuz a-goin' right as rain. It had been a dang good mornin' what with Rodney the Roach a-joinin' in the rooster chorus fer the wake-up call an' Soggy helpin' Virgil-Joe plow the fields to break up the sod clods fer spring plantin'. That ole Soggy shore can pull a plow, an' he's a great cook too.

The only bad thing that happened wuz when The Spooky Guy done barfed all over the haystack when he done heard Nosferatu describin' to King Smut all the things he'd like to do with Arsewipe the Ghoul, an' King Smut wuz a-sayin' how he'd be ok with filmin' that. I done told Gertie the Goat to go an' distract Spooky with a Nannies Meetin' to talk about child care. I heard Spooky a-tellin' Gertie how glad he wuz that Samara would be mindin' Dr. Schitz' daughter Anna Nicole from now on, 'cause apparently that there child is shore forward-thinkin' an' can't keep her hands out of the little boys' diapers. Spooky wuz a-pullin' around a wagon with a big ole water tank in it filled with Soggy's little grandchild spawns. He said that Spawn 66 is the mother or father or somethin' of these spawns. I shore don't know how he tells them critters apart! But I do think it's swell that Soggy has such a nice big ole family.

I decided to interview Samara an' I asked her how old she was anyways, 'cause she seems a little young-like fer Arsewipe the Ghoul who's 39 years old, chronology-wise. Samara done said she shore gets tired of people callin' her a child an' she's killed more'n one person fer it. She says she's 19 years old, she jest has what y'all call an athletic-like figger. She done said that she thinks she's a-gonna win this match 'cause she's got youth, strength and sliminess over on Nosferatu. Then she said she shore admired my rasslin' skills and asked iffen I'd give her a few pointers. So we talked rasslin' for a few minutes an' then she went off with the WWF Wannabes to do some trainin' so I interviewed ole Nossy. He said that he's got age an' skill on his side an' he's gonna put the beat-down on that "slimy slut" like she ain't never gonna believe. I done had to ask Nossy what happened 'twixt him an' Wolfie after the movie wuz over an' he said he supposed it wuz jest an on-set romance an' that Wolfie gits around more'n a ole tomcat on the prowl in a neighborhood full of females in heat! That ole Nossy shore does have a way with words!

Well, y'all, my ole farm wuz hoppin' an' we were a-bringin' in more Quatloos than I could count from ticket sales an' refreshment sales. Virgie kept the 'shine a-comin' an' Soggy kept the Spam a-cookin' an' it shore looked like it wuz a-gonna be the event of the year, when in walked my ole cuzzin "Killer" Kelsey-Bell the Kannibal.

"Killer" Kelsey-Bell

My ole cuzzin Kelsey-Bell ain't nothin' but trouble. The FOGNL network was s'posed to have a reality show starrin' Rotten Ralph, the Steak Thru the Heart Butcher, where zombies and ghouls an' such was a-vyin' fer his affections, but then ole Kelsey-Bell done seduced him so he didn't want to do the show. But now the fickle ole flesh-eater done gone an' got tired of Ralph an' after goin' to see Arsewipe's band at his club, The Sewer Pipe, she decided he's the one she wants. Well, I figgered we could accomodate the ole cannibal an' have her rassle against the winner of the big match 'twixt Nosferatu and Samara, but then them ole FOGNL network executives said that since Kelsey-Bell done screwed up their reality show with Rotten Ralph, they wanted to have one where her an' the other creepy-crawlies hung out in the mansion they done fixed up in the sewer fer Arsewipe an' they'd all vie fer his attentions Flavor of Love/I Love New York style.

Things was a-goin' downhill quick. Some folks was a-demandin' their money back iffen there weren't a-gonna be no match, sayin' that they wouldn't pay nohow to see Death Cheese, an' I don't blame 'em. I shore was feelin' down at the mouth. Me an' Virgil was a-gonna use that money to build us an addition to the ole homestead. Arsewipe the Ghoul said that he'd make some calls an' git his all-ghoul band up here to play a show. Well, I gotta say that even if he is a repulsive yahoo with the personality of a toilet plunger, he shore can play the guitar, and that might keep a few folks from fleein'. Then Arsewipe said somethin' that done started Netherworld War III. He turned and said that the land-dwellin' pretty boy, meanin' The Spooky Guy, an' his band of land-dwellin' pretty boys could probably use the exposure an' so he'd give 'em the privilege of playin' before Arsewipe and his crew.

The shit done hit the fan then, y'all. Spooky cracked open a can of Whoop Ass, an' ole Arsewipe wouldn't have stood a chance, 'cept fer the fact that Sheriff Rosco done Tazered Spooky with an Ectoplasm Disruptor an' slapped him into a ghost trap. Well, Spooky's Aunt Greta didn't take none too kindly to that, an' she opened a can of Whoop Ass on ole Sheriff Rosco. Spooky's adopted brother Quorthon didn't take none to kindly to the fact that Arsewipe dared to suggest that Ectoplasm Attack should open fer no band of sewer-dwellin' ghouls, an' he opened a can of Whoop Ass an' lit into Arsewipe. Then Samara an' Nossy an' my cuzzin Kelsey-Bell all done jumped on each other. The crowd was a-goin' wild then an' their cheerin' near to drowned out the hollerin' from the FOGNL executives that they didn't want their stars gettin' all beat up--heck, like it wouldn't improve the appearances of them ugly suckers! It done took every law enforcement official in the territory to break up that there row, an' folks was a-sayin' as things wrapped up at six in the mornin' that this shore was the best rasslin' match they ever seen, even iffen they did have to lissen to Death Cheese after all was said an' done.

Hildy-Bob Bullshipper