SWF Stars 1: Juiblex

SWF Champeen Juiblex shows his (disgusting, slimy, foul-smelling) stuff

Juiblex: Can't Touch This

by Virgil-Joe Hamwhacker

Howdy y'all! This here is yer ole cuzzin Virgil-Joe, innerducin' y'all to some of the members of the Satanic Rasslin' Federation here in the Netherworld. Of course it's only fittin' that we oughta meet the SWF Champeen first.

Ole Juiblex has been the SWF Champeen fer the better part of eternity, an' that's 'cause ain't nobody kin stand to git close enough to him to put the smack-down on him! Iffen y'all read this here dee-scription of Juiblex from the ancient an' unholy Lords of the Abyss compendium, yer sure to see why purty quick-like.

There is no question that this is the most disgusting and loathsome of all abyssal lords. Juiblex is foul and nauseating in the extreme. Juiblex has no set form (he can spread himself into a vast pool of slime or raise up into a towering column of disgusting ordure 18' or more in height) but he usually takes the form of a 9' tall cone-like heap, striated in disgusting blackish greens, foul browns and yellows, and sickly translucent grays and ambers. From this mass protrude several glaring red eyes.

Juiblex is Arsewipe's fav-o-rite rassler. Arsewipe always likes to git a seat real close to the ring so's he kin be shore to git splashed by Juiblex when ole Juiblex is a-spewin' at his opponent. Arsewipe jest worships that thar heap o' diarrhea. Ole Juiblex reminds Arsewipe of his home in the sewer. Myself, I ain't too partial to no critter that reminds me of when the terlet backs up or the outhouse overflows. 'Course last time that happened it was 'cause Arsewipe done decided to pay a visit. But I weren't havin' none of it. I done flushed him back down to whar he belongs! Normally the doors at the Bullshipper-Hamwhacker homestead is always open ter company, but our terlet an' outhouse ain't no door! I reckon Arsewipe's jest too dang dumb to figger that out 'cause every time he done tries comin' into our house that way we always dump liquid plumber on his head, smack him with a plunger an' flush him back home.

Arsewipe's been beggin' Juiblex to let him be on his rasslin' tag team but Juiblex sez he works alone. I kinda suspect it's 'cause he don't want to be associated with no Arsewipe neither.

Cuzzin Virgil-Joe

This here Sports News Release wuz brought ta y'all by mine an' Hildy's very own Roadkill Jerky. Our latest batch features some kind of big ole iguana-lookin' thing with three eyeballs an' six legs that we done found by the side of Route 666. I don't know if it were one of Dr. Schitz' creations that done escaped from his lab or iffen it's one of them critters that lives in the ole nuclear wastelands behind the Netherworld Power Plant. I wouldn't wanna eat none of it myelf but I reckon we kin sell plenty of it at the next SWF Rasslin' match or Death Cheese Concert.

-VJ-

Here's MC Hammer with Juiblex' theme song, U Can't Touch This.

An' I shore don't want to, I might add!